Remind me, please, who said that patience is a virtue? Were they drunk when they said it?

Let’s face it, patience comes in two categories: Some and None. Let’s review:

Some patience is called for while waiting in line at a store during the height of the holiday shopping season. Even if you do want to muzzle the shrieking kid sitting in the cart in front of you while their parent fiddles with a cell phone.

Some patience is required while waiting at the doctor’s office with your 87 year-old father–a man who wants to throw a chair across the room if he is not seen by his doctor at the allotted appointment time. If you think this doctor-visit scenario is a little creepy, well, let’s not get into it when we visit the DMV. After all, he is a feisty ex-marine.

Some patience is called for while in a traffic jam–even if it is because some yahoo forget to gas up before getting on the highway. In this case, vulgarity is also warranted.

Some patience is certainly needed when teaching an elderly parent to: text or (god forbid) email or to help put together a do-it-yourself project of any type.

Now, here’s where it gets dicey.

I would imagine that waiting to be searched, prodded and poked prior to visiting someone in jail ranks right up there on the NO PATIENCE meter. Weather alerts that scrawl along the bottom of your screen with accompanying squawking voices to disrupt your favorite show is definitely a NO PATIENCE event. Ditto for delayed and/or cancelled flights, dropped cell phone calls; a request to visit your local IRS office.

But the most aggravating, pull-your-hair-out-of-your-head ranking on the NO PATIENCE EVER scale is reserved for the endless telephone hold time, told to you sweetly via a recorded voice: “Your…wait…time..is…2…hours…and…17…minutes. But your call is important to us!

Yeah, we got the message alright.

Until next time, when a martini and a good book meet.